Listening to Beck's Mutations, Edith Piaf's Greatest Hits and some Enya CD. Surprisingly, the mix is really quite lovely. I didn't realize until recent 10 hour road trip (each way) that I liked Beck so much. Loyal friend C.C. loaned me three discs and I am discovering Mr. Hansen's blues influenced folky stuff and it's really cool. Thanks yous to Mr. C.

Anyway, the wedding was so very delovely last weekend. Very different - a capricious departure from the norm! - and fun for all. I seem to get more and more introspective at weddings as I get older. I suppose that's what everyone does as we wonder what will happen at our wedding, if we will have one, what kind of band we will hire, whether we will be able to avoid being stressed during it, etc. They had excellent cupcakes rather than cake and handed out Mardi Gras style beads and tiaras, champagne poppers, bride & groom bubbles, glow rings (toy bling) - I had a genuinely good time. Yah C and A!!

In other news, I lost another 2 lbs at WW this week. The WW Associate added wrong last week (bummer) so it is 5.6 lbs total for 2 weeks - not 6.6. Like it matters? Going to the Y again tomorrow AM. Could this time be the time that I stick with it and make the "lifestyle change" we're always hearing/ talking/ reading about? I'll keep ya posted.

Job search job search job search...

Does anyone have an extra AT&T Wireless cell phone they want to give me? Just wondering...

You know... it's like trying to nail jello to a tree, pleasing you people.

As promised, I will write a blog soon about Google's secrets, but it's a topic that requires more research than I had anticipated. I am waiting for a few return phone calls, spoils from wire taps, acceptance of bribes, etc. Consider it pending.

If you are a Bostonian you should do one of these things tonight: see my friend L.'s band play at O'Brien's in Allston or go to the Middle East for Lilli Dennison's "Going Away" party featuring: the The Lyres, The Upper Crust, The Unnatural Axe, Thalia Zedek, Rockbottom, Beefy DC, The Dogmatics, The Downbeat 5, The Turpentine Brothers, The Count Me Outs and a bunch more. I am torn myself.

Funny bumper sticker I saw today "Can't go to work today. Voices told me to stay home and clean the guns". Hee hee. Very balanced calm looking young gentleman driving the car as well. Naturally.

Lost another pound of myself. Mmmm sugar free jello is so good.

Weight Watchers, Weddings and Wee Wailing Little Ones. Word.

I started Weight Watchers on Wednesday with my mom. I'm drinking a lot of water and trying to "drink the Kool-Aid" (aka believe in and work "the program") without the benefit all of that lovely cynicism that got me overweight in the first place : ) It's a good program, I feel, but it really does require a lot of sincerity where you want there to be a lot of giggling and ordering take out. Our leader (of our first meeting) was a 40+ Brazilian lady and she had a heavy accent and everyone's number. She knew her stuff. It's hard to watch your eating habits be busted and called out in broken English in front of a crowd. I felt like Roberta Flack... how did she find my letters...

Anyway, I've lost 4 pounds in 3 days because I stopped eating constantly, but that loss rate should slow down shortly. Hopefully I can stick with it and not make exceptions every time there's someone else in the room to give me an excuse. I am tired of being tired. I want to feel young and in charge of my body, not old and divorced from it. I want to experience the once familiar exhilaration of physical exhaustion from challenging exercise, rather than the humiliation of being winded from climbing 30 steps at the T. I want a 2 piece bathing suit. We'll see : )

In other news, my niece started Kindergarten Thursday and seems about 15 to me now. I babysat the other night and little angel face woke up in the night with a terrible fever and ear ache. We made it through ok, thankfully (really, mom came home and fixed everything). but it's sort of humbling when these little arms, hot to the touch from the fever, reaching out for you because they believe in their innocent hearts that you can make it better. It puts things in perspective. The idea that any other person, 5 years old or not, can reach out to me and expect me to make it better or at least be there to share the hurt... I don't know. It makes me remember how love and family and being really in the now with your life can be as important as having it all figured out in the big picture.

I am excited about going to a wedding next weekend of an old friend and his lovely new bride to be. There is really just so much happening around me lately. Some of my friends are falling in love, some are dealing with death, some are just "heel toe-ing" it from day to day and doing the best they can to live with some kind of panache and positive energy. I am inspired by my friends and their ability to, all in their own unique ways, live their lives passionately, swooping up the others around them in their current and leaving the world (i.e. other human beings) better off for them having decided to live that way.

Btw, my niece awoke the next morning feeling fine and without a hint of needing me for anything. Life is about those moments, but you know, the kids' gotta get on the bus and go to school. Life goes on. No matter what you do. Does it sound like Fred Savage just said that?

Boys Do This Thing...

It has been brought to my attention recently that boys are not as simple minded as we girls often like to think they are in regards to interaction between the sexes both romantic and otherwise. Most recently, I came upon a situation where I was able to witness, first hand, a boy doing something that upon later inspection could only be described as "competitive male posturing, feather fluffing, meaningless display of fruitless flirtation". Now, as my good friend Cynthia has often said "There's nothing wrong with practicing your flirting skills". I think this may be true, but it is a minor league epiphany to me at least that grown men (herein referred to as "boys" for the pejorative effect) can be so... traditionally and stereotypically "girl-like" in their behavior.

I think that we, as women, tend to assume (as the result of the urging of men to do so mostly) that we think/ analyze/ dwell upon and about the intricacies of each personal interaction we experience with a level of detail that is virtually unheard of to men as a species. "Guys just don't think like that," is an oft heard phrase during these convivial discussions of the differences between the sexes. Perhaps. But the "thing" that boys do that I think throws the whole system out of whack is compete with each other for prizes they don't want. I see this behavior everywhere I turn lately. It's ubiquity is matched only perhaps by the variety of styles in which it is executed. There is even an endearing colloquial term for this behavior, although it offends my puritanical sensibilities to repeat it here.

Here is the most classic example of this phenomenon: Boy A and Girl A used to date. Girl A was wronged by Boy A in some egregious fashion that absolutely prevents them from ever dating again, but they are friendly to one another socially. Girl A meets Boy B and they are in a courting period. They all appear at the same social function by some fluke. Suddenly, in the presence of both boys, Boy A is positioning himself between Boy B and Girl A, touching her arm, shoulder, hand as if to establish some sort of ownership and confusing Boy B, who now is beginning to think he has misunderstood the situation and is an unwelcome third wheel (much to the horror of Girl A and the satisfaction of Boy A - neither of whom desire any relationship with each other beyond the existing). This phenomena can manifest itself in a number of ways, but the underlying premise that is consistent is that it is much less about the girl than she may realize at the time, and all about the men and this bizarre competition of manliness that flies in the face of all we understand of their "simplicity". The girl may misinterpret the meaning of this behavior especially when the roles are less defined and the feelings of those involved more nebulous, to be about competition for her. She might even (understandably) be flattered by the flirtation and the competition that appears to be in her honor. She is wrong. It's not about her. It's about men and competing with each other to prove they have the ability to "get" her, not a sincere desire to be with her.

I realize I am not breaking new ground here and the topic has been explored to some length through various web sites and message boards. My point in blogging on this is to make it public record that men do wacky psychologically bizarre things involving relationships, it is well documented. Although everyone knows what I am talking about, people still insist that women are manipulative and jealous beyond even the comprehension of the noble, simple male. I just wanted to point out that men can be insensitive and caught up in themselves as well.

Most of my female friends are aware of this phenomena, it's ubiquity and it's varied and subtle manifestations enough to avoid it's pitfalls. However, I have taken it upon myself to announce the my vast readership that "Boys do this thing" because it comes up more than one might realize. I had to get this off my chest after a 2 week period in which it came up exactly 4 times in conversations and emails with girlfriends old and new.

A wave of relief comes over me now. Thanks you for reading.

NEXT TIME: How does Google work?

Hola.

I have joined the IM revolution. If I know you and might want to IM you send me your ID and we can chat : ) I only have three IDs on my buddy list so I feel like I'm not really cool. I mean, I feel like that anyway most of the time, yah yah yah you know the rest of that post.

So I would like to talk about friendship, loyalty, faith and strength. I often feel like I don't possess enough of these qualities to be the person I would like to be ideally. It's not something I think about all the time, but I'm thinking about it tonight. My friend J. is in a situation now where she is helping a friend of hers who has suffered a devastating loss and ongoing pain and trauma in the aftermath. She has been with this friend for almost three days now and is really maxing out in each of these personal areas, undoubtedly providing invaluable comfort and strength to her friend. I hope that in a similar situation I could do the same, but honestly I don't know if I could. I see myself crumbling in the face of actual emotional devastation rather than being able to maintain perspective and provide comfort and wisdom. I see myself withdrawing and retreating from the danger at hand rather than rolling up my sleeves and pitching in.

I could be wrong, I don't know. The truth that lingers for me is that it is these moments in our lives: death, birth, sickness, poverty, desperate need that we are afforded the luxury of viewing ourselves in a light that reveals things about us that we don't normally consider. We don't include them when we write our resumes or various fictions or even blog entries. It's not necessarily a more important element of who we are, but I would venture to say it reveals more about how functional we are in our humanity. I think that how able we are to reach out and relate, help, sacrifice, love - I think that is a measure worthy of our attention. I would like to feel more functional in my humanity if that makes any sense.

I keep hearing songs on the oldies station about love. Most recently, "Love is but a song we sing, fear's the way we die," I realize I am venturing into dangerously corny territory here, but I guess the point is that I wish I smiled on my brother (metaphorically) more and I shall endeavor to do so more.

Also, um... vote for Kerry.

Sleep Tight Tonight.

Peace brothers & sisters