More of the Same

Hello Sports Fans. The theme of the day is Identity. Mine in particular and perhaps the recent realization that I must define myself differently now that things are, um... different. I am not Improvising here yet, so I feel less tied in with "performing Katy" as well as with the camaraderie and trust of GGG which gave me so much spark and confidence on and off the stage. I am away from all known support systems and my dearest and best friend in the world is in London having the adventure of his life. so here I am in Boston. After so much planning and angst and it appears that it may be entirely possible that I enjoyed being a Bostonian more in Texas than I do here. I am really just not Bostonian enough.

I watched a local cable channel's little league broadcast today (yes, this is what it's come to, I am not afraid to admit it) and the commentators' accents were unbefreakin'leavable (that would be a direct quote from the broadcast). In terms of the undying quest for authenticity (mine) I cannot even approach that level of Bostonian, not even after several hours of Red Sox footage, Bud Light consumption and slow motion rapping with Sully and Smitty about Pudge in Game 6 and Buckner in Game 6 11 years later and the relevance of the number 6 in Red Sox History would I even come close to being a respectable South Shore chippy (I use that term affectionately).

So with that understanding, where do I turn? I think perhaps the biggest pitfall I can try to avoid would be inactivity. I stagnate when I stay still... and really daytime television is depressing and dull (I've only had the opportunity to realize this twice - lest you all believe I am living a life of leisure before the television I can assure you I am not).

Massachusetts was gorgeous today, the sun was shining and the air was cool and crisp (ok, it was cold) but it was definitely the kind of day where you feel inspired to go for a walk, no better yet a run! or at least I'm finally going to do that yoga tape I bought a year ago. Then you get home and the crossword puzzle leads to a nap. Welcome to my reality. Maybe that's a lot of people's reality? Maybe I'm just kidding myself?

The nieces are awesome and the family in general is coming up large - That is important and significant. I just need to be a little inspired by myself and move forward unafraid of what's next. we watched "Miracle" las tonight (about Herb Brook's 1980 Olympic Hockey Team and it reminded me that visionary people are usually not supported. you have to know who you are and what you want and take it. I'm excited about the future. Yeshiram.

Ok, I feel better now. Good blog, good blog, ruff!

Katy

P.S. Thanks again to Jeremy for helping me with my destroyed burning smoking PC. This is kind of a test to see if he still reads the old blog here. If you're there J, I need to know that those cylinders are on the motherboard (the ones that look like miniature corn silos) - I got Keno tickets riding on this! Actually, what I really need it for is to make this analogy about my unraveling psyche and the unraveling cylindrical things on a motherboard, but do you see how lame that sounds? I knew you'd understand. Anyone?

P.P.S. To anyone who was following my very first baby steping attempt to do Improv here in big scary Boston, I so totally did not get asked to even go to call backs at Improv Boston. The audition was fun (low stress) and the troupe seems very nice (good energy). I was a touch nervous, not sure what I really communicated during the audition. Upon reflection, maybe I should have sucked less? That's a note for next time. I'm kidding, I got a few laughs and connected with my 10 member audition group as well as I could so I'm not going to rake myself over the coals about it. I think they are great and will continue to see their shows and other troupes in Boston and wait for the right thing to come along (or to meet the right people to make it happen for me as a director). Between this winning philosophy and my emerging juggling skillz - the future's feeling bright. After all, it IS carnival season.

Do you ever have these flashes of clarity where you begin to realize that you have behaved badly or that your perspective on a situation or chain of events has been perhaps more skewed than you realized? Without going into too many painful details, I believe I have successfully alienated and offended a wonderful group of people who have done nothing but extend kindness to me. Perhaps out of nervousness or defensiveness or what have you I was critical and boorish when I should have been quiet and respectful. Under the guise of honesty and integrity I might have blown some potential friendships, professional relationships and more. Go me!

That said, let's move right along out of Self Loathing-ville and into greener pastures of the blogland. Disappointment can be daunting, but I think that the old adage "when a door closes a window opens" is true. Rejection has always taught me more than acceptance, historically anyway. There's been a lot of daunting developments in the old life lately, but none so serious or terrible. I think I just need something encouraging to happen. Something small, something good.

My audition last night was a lot of fun. I was in a group of about 10 and the people were really nice and warm and fun to play with. I enjoyed the audition, although I'm fairly certain I didn't get accepted into the troupe (I think I would have heard by now). I also smoked a cigarette with Kiki after and felt so sick, even hours later. Perhaps I have a guardian Angel who is looking out for me and I simply don't understand the plan. This is kind of a wimpy way to imagine why things happen maybe, but I like to think that getting sick from smoking is great, it's a reminder not to do it! Maybe also, not getting into the troupe is fortuitous as well. I think the plan is to keep seeing Improv all over Boston, try to find a place where the people seem like minded and then get involved, on whatever level. I think it sounds like there are many cool things in the works at ImprovBoston (the Friday night show, the Musical Improv, etc.) and I'm also hearing good things about Improv Asylum's shows/ talent.

I think this should be the Summer of going there, being in the moment and doing rather than discussing. I think I need to reassess what I want, make some decisions and stop being so critical of what other people are doing and worry about myself. I do believe that negativity breeds negativity, so ix-ne on the egativity-na rom-fa ow-na on-na.

Word.

So hopefully this philosophy will translate well for me into the professional arena and ultimately make me happy (happier?).

I keep thinking of this story I heard once of how John Lennon and Yoko Ono met. He went to a gallery show (an opening maybe?) and her art exhibit included a ladder and when you climbed to the top there was a magnifying glass on a string and when you help up the glass to the ceiling you could see in just the tiniest type set letters written on the ceiling one word. The word was "Yes". I always thought that was beautiful, simple and elegant. I can see why he fell for her. Seeing the world in this crystalline clarity, just positivity, truth, perspective, insight, depth. That's what I want.

In the spirit of the job search, I'll end with the famous words of John Cusack's legendary Lloyd Dobbler:

A career? I've thought about this quite a bit sir and I would have to say considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I dont want to sell anything bought or processed or buy anything sold or processed or repair anything sold, bought or processed as a career. I dont want to do that. My father's in the army. He wants me to join, but I can't work for that corporation, so what I've been doing lately is kick-boxing, which is a new sport...as far as career longevity, I dont really know. I cant figure it all out tonight, sir. What I really want is, I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it."

Additions to the list of people who apparently read my blog (who knew?): Kiki, Robby, Jeremy, Cyndi, Mrs. Slaughter and Chris C. Impressivo, no? Some complaints have been lodged by my critics at large that the blog is depressing and I need to cheer up. After careful consideration I have deemed it appropriate and acceptable for me to be a bit introspective (at least?) of late considering that I am an ocean away from my boyfriend of over 2 years, in a new financial/ vocational situation (very unsure and requiring much effort and energy), away from the Austin Improv world (and the beloved Girls Girls Girls), my PC, my mom's PC and my Dad's PC are all breaking as if in cahoots to exhaust my patience and energies and my mom's cat keeps sleeping on my bed and making me sneeze.

Now, I certainly don't mean to come off as a whiner (too late). I am happy to be in Boston and although Quincy is not London, I am pleased for Robby to have embarked on his own unique adventure across the pond. I am sure my job situation will be as inspiring and challenging as I make it (it's only been a week I keep telling myself), I just arrived home from an audition for Improv Boston (very fun audition) and I'm sure the computers will eventually tire of their conspiratorial torment of my soul and start functioning properly again.

My downer tone could also be ascribed to the flux that is my day to day at the moment. One could argue that my blog has been depressing throughout and not only lately to which I would say "I can't hear you, we must have a bad connection, call me back later."

At any rate, introspection is not always joyful. A suitable analogy perhaps would be the classic "girlfriend breaks up with boyfriend, complains to best friend citing (normally in great detail) all terrible/ mean/ unforgivable acts ever committed by said boyfriend then gets back together with boyfriend much to the dismay and confusion of best friend who then writes to Dear Abby about it (or something...)" Anyway, the point is we don't normally run to our friends to confide how wonderful things are. When we are happy we are too busy being happy right? We get introspective about our lives when we are trying to understand what's going on because we are not happy.

As the great Walter Sobchak once said "Dude, am I wrong?"

Also, in honor of Robby and Ed in London, here are some germane thoughts from Sir Edwin Arnold. Sir Arnold was (among other things) a British writer, journalist and author of "picturesque travel literature" hmm...

"We are the voices of the wandering wind,
Which moan for rest and rest can never find;
Lo! as the wind is, so is mortal life,
A moan, a sigh, a sob, a storm, a strife."

Overconfidence and the PC, help from Jeremy, Headshots and Prospective Employment

So, at the urging of Jeremy (and thank you to Paula for the 8am referral to the J-man) I opened up my computer and blew away to dust to find part of the power supply has burned up and uncoiled. Oops. I removed it (no sweat) and brought it to buy a replacement at a small computer store where I was bringing in my dad's PC for warranty work anyway. I'm thinking "I am so efficient, I can do this, no problemo". Yah, right. I get the Power supply home and consult the drawing I had made of where everything was connected to make sure I am doing it right. There seem to be more connecters than before - but I know it's the same model Robby had installed originally. Um... man, my drawing is not as detailed as I had hoped. So I stare at the board for a while and connect things where they fit and hope for the best. Initially, I think I am golden. The PC boots up beautifully and I'm bopping along for a few minutes when the mouse and keyboard stop working. I force a restart and repeat this process 5 times before taking the case apart again and looking at the connections. I change a few things around, tighten this, secure that. Same thing. I try once more to change some connections. No help. I switched out my PC with my mom's eMachine (ah, the humility) and I think I might bring my PC to Gateway and try to sweet talk someone into seeing if it is hooked up correctly. I spent all night looking up pictures of power supplies and motherboards and trying to match up the connections but I'm running out of time so I think I'm going to go to Kinko's to make my head shots this afternoon.

Head Shots! So I have an audition tonight at ImprovBoston and I had to make a head shot, except the graphics Software is all on my PC and on some disks a box downstairs somewhere so... Kinko's it is!

So beyond the extremely lucrative world of Improv Comedy, I went and met with a head hunter of sorts last Thursday. I guess it's more of a creative placement agency. Regardless, they were very positive and upbeat about my writing and felt confident they could find me something in that arena relatively soon. It might be more of a junior technical writing position or maybe even non technical copy editing/ writing (hopefully no one looks at all the spelling mistakes in my blog. Yikes. One of the PC bugs I've been working on prevents me from getting into Blogger with any regularity, but I will edit soon!) I am excited about shifting the focus onto writing. We'll see.

BTW - Car was fixed by the dealership for free and we picked it up Wednesday evening. Excellent.

So perhaps things are moving forward at last?

More soon... the future awaits.

Wednesday Evening and All's Clar...

Felt much more productive today than yesterday. Fixed a few more computer bugs and felt good about that. Mostly had to do with AOL's parasitic features (pop up blocking especially). They present an insidious problem because you can turn them on and off on several different levels and it will affect the behavior of the OS and the software differently. It seemed nonsensical until I broke it down and kept at it and figured out (at least for now) what's going on.

Mom is asleep and the cat is not flying through the air chasing imaginary night creatures yet, so it seemed like a good time to write. Grandma Bert is sick. She is 94 and has been blessed with good health and incredible mental acuity so it always takes us by surprise when she is ill. Mom is worried because being a nurse, no other nurse is as thorough as you would be right? Dad pulled a muscle in his neck, Mom's knee's bothering her - I acknowledge the cliché, but is this what I have to look forward to in old age? Aches and pains and worry. I guess that's part of being in a loving family - empathy, sympathy and worry. It's nice to know people worry about you I guess. That seems simple and true.

Missing Robby, wishing I had heard from him directly as I am sure his parents and other close friends are as well. I know he is having the time of his life and i certainly wrote a scarcity of letters when I was overseas. it's all so exciting, I think I had forgotten that. The tone of Robby's last post to his site http://www.nosetplans.com reminded me of what it feels like to be in a foreign country - so much romance and newness. I am glad he has Ed to be his partner in crime/ misery. My mom reminded me when he read the post that you spend at least 70 percent of your day finding a place to stay. We totally planned activities around hotels and hostels not to mention cheap eats. This is the only downside to not planning out your whole trip - you get better at it though. I know Robby and Ed are totally going to rock star this Europe thing so I am excited to hear more.

It's Thursday now. Mom is learning her new lap top chart software that the VNA is using. She hates it but is figuring out how to be a smart user ad values it's efficiency. Change is hard. I am proud of her.

I am off to Kinkos to make copies of my resume for an appointment today at a creative placement agency in Boston. Mom's making me an omelet that in South Beach certified. Very exciting : )

It is so sunny this morning, must be an omen of good things on the horizon.
Can you feel that positivity? Captivating huh?

Katy

Home, Again

Yesterday was my first full day in Massachusetts. To mark the occasion my fuel pump broke on the way to see my nieces and now my car is in the shop and I am at my mom's house discovering the deficiencies of daytime television and writing in my blog. I arrived home in the evening Sunday, after wicked awesome lobstahs and bisque at Abbott's in Noank, CT I pulled into my mom's house South of Boston around 8:55pm. Mom had dressed up her den into a bedroom for me - complete with beautiful patchwork comforter (pale pinks and dark reds and green stitched over satin and velvet) I felt like Shirley Temple in The Little Princess when I walked in. Mom was patient and listened to entire trip recap - which was, as things tend to be, much funnier in the retelling than in the living. Saw nieces yesterday and they are both as cute and full of energy as I remembered. Very affectionate and warm - I'm looking forward to spending more time with them and also with their parents (my brother and sister in law). It's hard to describe right now how I am feeling. I miss Austin and friends so much. I miss Robby especially, although he is off to Europe and that in itself is inspirational and exciting. Sleeping alone is weird, it makes me feel young, like a teenager or something. That's weird.

Massachusetts is beautiful and the smell of the ocean air is serene and invigorating at one time. The trip with papa was very smooth - we are lucky the fuel pump decided to conk post 2000 mile journey and Dearest Da was an excellent co-pilot. He drove at least half of the way and was the AM shift while I woke up and I was the PM shift when he got tired. My dad's got stamina. 2 different women about 20 years his junior flirted with him on the road (Da's about 72)- that was new, or maybe I never noticed before?

Tough to be home with no car. Frustrating. I've been troubleshooting my computer for the last 2 days, without Robby around I'm pretty much channeling the force and resisting the urge to call Jeremy when I can't figure things out. Plugged in my computer and heard a loud pop and then smoke coming out from where the fan is. I started it up anyway and so far so good. If that is a bad move I'm sure I'll find out soon enough and then I will be an expert on that type of problem : ) I am proud of myself that I have solved 3 or 4 problems that I would not have been able to figure out before.

I have a sort of non-sexual crush on Suze Orman. She talks a lot about being powerful and your personal power being perceptible. She's like Oprah and Tony Robbins' love child. Love it. Watched her show from a Super8 in Harrisonburg, VA. It was puring rain and the Non-Smoking room reeked of cigarettes and general despair. It seemed an appropriate arena for Suze's dogma. I dug it.

More later. Laundry calls. Maybe I'll go for a walk.

This is riveting stuff people... stay tuned.

Katy

Katy's Life Timeline:

Friday, 5.14.04 at 8am - leave Austin with Papa Jack in 2001 Focus heading for Boston.
Monday or Tuesday (17th or 18th) arrive in Boston. Sleep. Regroup.
Rejoice, see friends, family, general merriment.
Get a job, find myself, lose 40 pounds.
Be incredibly happy and enlightened, save up for retirement early.
Live life of luxury for remaining days, filled with creativity and charity work.

That seems easy enough - glad I got that settled : )

I'm feeling nostalgic so here's my most recent emotional favorite. Picture of me with GGG gang at Ice Bats game. Shana reminded me that this is her favorite too. We're all so happy. It's great. Ta for now.

This is my brother, neighbor Stephen Rhines and I when we were kids in Scituate: drinking slush puppies, hanging out in the MG (while riding in which, you could see the road through the floor boards),looking tough, wearing a bikini. Simpler times.

It's Wednesday, tomorrow Papa Jack gets here then we are gone Friday - off to Boston by car. This is all really too much, can I just get a slush puppy and put on my 2 piece? I don't want to deal.

This post has no content. Author avoiding actual emotions so far today.

Twirling my Baton at Town Pizza

When I was young my parents used to take me to Town Pizza in North Scituate. It's an ice cream store now. Before it was an ice cream store, it was run by a nice Italian lady who I thought was so pretty and cool. I think she wore a beehive but I know her hair was black. I remember black skirts and colorful blouses. At any rate, we would go in on a busy night, like a Friday or Saturday and she would show me how to twirl my baton. I think she had been a professional twirler and maybe a dancer as well in her youth and she really did just stop everything to show me some tricks. It was awesome. I thank my parents for doing that. It's so weird how I can remember that like a dream, this shining moment where everything stopped and someone was just really kind and giving.

This memory was kind of washing over my last night when I was supposed to be sleeping. Then I had a dream that Jed Parrish was a psychotic killer and was hunting me down with a death machine. Weird energy is afoot I'm afraid : ).

Unemployed - Day 2. Sad, excited, melancholy baby. We had our last GGG Improv show last night and it was awesome. I felt so relaxed and had such a blast playing with the Girls. I will miss this group of women more than I can even imagine. There's so much going on with leaving and so much going on with coming home - old jobs, new jobs, old friends, new friends... the biggest problem is this nagging feeling that I am going to lose myself in the transition. Like on Quantum Leap when he starts to transition out... ok, that's a lame analogy, but I feel like I have nothing to hold onto at the moment to define myself. I will, but right now it's just loss. I know I'll be ok, it's like the bends.

Also, I talked to my mom tonight and she talked about how my dad was quiet at dinner and was having trouble hearing other people and talking with them because there were more than a few people at the table. It made me so sad to think about that. I know he's probably ok and I'll be home soon to spend more time with him - but tonight that's not really making me feel any better. I hope the drive will be good for him and for us.

Tonight is the first Sunday night in a long time that I was not at rehearsal for Girls Girls Girls. It was so weird and sad not to be there. Again, how do you define yourself when you're not doing all the things that you love?

I'm tired. Much to do tomorrow. Robby said that he reads my blog. That's nice. Hi Robby : )

My last day at the bank is tomorrow. I am sad. It's unbelievable to me that all of my projects will be wrapped up and I will be "Done" with it all Friday at noon. Then Friday night we are having a party where we are inviting all of our friends to please come and take all of our stuff away. I feel good. Things were getting tricky there for a while, but I thing I've got my senses together at last. I feel melancholy (shocker) but not so much I can't enjoy these lasts and really soak up what I can from my friends and the grande experience that is living in Austin.

I think if I could really understand on a gut level that no one reads my blog it would be more interesting.

Katy

A month since my last blog entry - busy busy in Austin. I have what is most likely the last bartending shift of my life tonight at the Gingerman in Austin, TX. This Friday is my last day at my bank job and afer that there is one last performance with the Girls Girls Girls Improv Troupe, one last party at the Hyde Park Classic, one last experience at juggling... lots of lasts.

I am going to miss Austin and I guess in a lot of ways I'm going to miss all of these possible lives I never lived here. I never hung out at the Gingerman enough and really got to know Buck or Matt or Robert or any of my coworkers, I never did an open mic with Hilary, I never played frisbee golf on the green belt, I never rode bikes around Town Lake, I never went out on a boat on the Lake, I never went to Mexico, I never went to Hippy Hollow or saw Willie at the Picnic. But, of course, nothing is forever, as my friend Ilene has said, and perhaps I will be back to do these things. The flip side of the coin is, of course, going home itself. Re-establishing relationships with my family and friends, trying to achieve a balance between earning money and self knowledge (i.e happiness), trying to better myself, lose weight, not be lonely for Austin too much or sad for the way everything has changed in Mass. There will be a lot to think about in the next month beyond career choices and job interviews. It weill be heavy I'm sure - but it should be a good time. I hope : ).

I should remember I am going to a place where a lot of people care about me and that can't be bad. My family and friends are awesome, Boston rocks, the Red Sox are... well, the Red Sox... I guess there's a lot to look forward to amidst all of the uncertainty but it's hard to be saying goodbye all the time. I want to just be gone you know? All these "lasts" are hard to deal with en masse. I want to be present for all of this but I feel myself withdrawing in order to deal without crying every 5 minutes - "this is my last Tuesday stealing change from your desk to buy candy...", etc.

I know it will be fine. Must keep trying to be in the moment rather than in the past or the future. Things have a way of working out and I just need to stop worrying and enjoy all of these lasts for the experiences and happiness they'll bring. Right? Sure, yah. Ok.