Do you ever have these flashes of clarity where you begin to realize that you have behaved badly or that your perspective on a situation or chain of events has been perhaps more skewed than you realized? Without going into too many painful details, I believe I have successfully alienated and offended a wonderful group of people who have done nothing but extend kindness to me. Perhaps out of nervousness or defensiveness or what have you I was critical and boorish when I should have been quiet and respectful. Under the guise of honesty and integrity I might have blown some potential friendships, professional relationships and more. Go me!

That said, let's move right along out of Self Loathing-ville and into greener pastures of the blogland. Disappointment can be daunting, but I think that the old adage "when a door closes a window opens" is true. Rejection has always taught me more than acceptance, historically anyway. There's been a lot of daunting developments in the old life lately, but none so serious or terrible. I think I just need something encouraging to happen. Something small, something good.

My audition last night was a lot of fun. I was in a group of about 10 and the people were really nice and warm and fun to play with. I enjoyed the audition, although I'm fairly certain I didn't get accepted into the troupe (I think I would have heard by now). I also smoked a cigarette with Kiki after and felt so sick, even hours later. Perhaps I have a guardian Angel who is looking out for me and I simply don't understand the plan. This is kind of a wimpy way to imagine why things happen maybe, but I like to think that getting sick from smoking is great, it's a reminder not to do it! Maybe also, not getting into the troupe is fortuitous as well. I think the plan is to keep seeing Improv all over Boston, try to find a place where the people seem like minded and then get involved, on whatever level. I think it sounds like there are many cool things in the works at ImprovBoston (the Friday night show, the Musical Improv, etc.) and I'm also hearing good things about Improv Asylum's shows/ talent.

I think this should be the Summer of going there, being in the moment and doing rather than discussing. I think I need to reassess what I want, make some decisions and stop being so critical of what other people are doing and worry about myself. I do believe that negativity breeds negativity, so ix-ne on the egativity-na rom-fa ow-na on-na.

Word.

So hopefully this philosophy will translate well for me into the professional arena and ultimately make me happy (happier?).

I keep thinking of this story I heard once of how John Lennon and Yoko Ono met. He went to a gallery show (an opening maybe?) and her art exhibit included a ladder and when you climbed to the top there was a magnifying glass on a string and when you help up the glass to the ceiling you could see in just the tiniest type set letters written on the ceiling one word. The word was "Yes". I always thought that was beautiful, simple and elegant. I can see why he fell for her. Seeing the world in this crystalline clarity, just positivity, truth, perspective, insight, depth. That's what I want.

In the spirit of the job search, I'll end with the famous words of John Cusack's legendary Lloyd Dobbler:

A career? I've thought about this quite a bit sir and I would have to say considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I dont want to sell anything bought or processed or buy anything sold or processed or repair anything sold, bought or processed as a career. I dont want to do that. My father's in the army. He wants me to join, but I can't work for that corporation, so what I've been doing lately is kick-boxing, which is a new sport...as far as career longevity, I dont really know. I cant figure it all out tonight, sir. What I really want is, I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it."